NEW YORK CITY– Eva Longoria really is a desperate housewife after all. Two days after marrying NBA guard Tony Parker, Longoria, 32, was seen performing fellatio on Keith Malek in the back of a New York City taxi. The taxi was stopped at a red light in Chinatown when, seconds later, police officer Lawrence O’Talloran pulled up next to the cab and saw what was occurring. “I was going to arrest Longoria,” said O’Talloran, “but then I came to my senses and decided that Longoria’s actions were something that should definitely not be discouraged.” The same could not be said for Malek, who was blinded with pepper spray and hit twenty-six times with O’Talloran’s baton. “The police officer’s actions were excessive and uncalled for, a blatant act of jealousy,” said Malek. “It was worth it though. I mean, come on! It was Eva Longoria! Need I say more?”
Rachel Cassidy is a professor of Media Studies at NYU. She finds last night’s events to be “fascinating,” saying, “When you think about it, this was a mixture of several elements of popular culture. Part Desperate Housewives, part Taxi Cab Confessions, part Rodney King video, this blowjob pretty much held a mirror up to our nation’s collective subconscious. Now, more than any other time in our nation’s history, we must ask ourselves, does the media imitate us, or do we imitate the media? Either way, this blowjob will most definitely have long lasting effects on the American psyche.”
Taxi driver Tom Szaniawski only had one hand on the steering wheel. “I was so distracted by what was happening in the backseat that I almost ran over a deliveryman on a bicycle,” he said. Just last week, Szaniawski worked as a Los Angeles bus driver. He quit after a blonde bombshell boarded his bus. Luckily, the bombshell failed to detonate. When he was asked how it feels to be in the center of two stories that made national news within the course of a few days–both events occurring three thousand miles apart from one another, Szaniawski was at a loss for words. “To be honest, this past week has been so surreal that none of this has even sunk in yet,” he said.
So what does Longoria have to say about the incident? “First of all, even though I love my husband, I doubt that he’ll be faithful to me,” she said. “He’s in the NBA, and all of those guys have twelve kids in each city. And second of all, I have a fetish for insurance salesmen, one in particular who I just can’t seem to resist.”
Tony Parker was unavailable for comment.
July 10, 2007