NEW YORK CITY– Three-hundred-twenty-two pieces of luggage met their untimely death yesterday when a plane traveling from New York to Charlotte landed in the Hudson River. US Airways flight 1549 left New York’s La Guardia Airport at 3:06 PM. Approximately four minutes later, seven members of Geesebollah– an Islamic faction of anti-American militant birds– carried out a suicide mission, intentionally flying themselves into the plane’s twin engines.
After he briefly considered trying to fly the plane to New Jersey’s Teterboro Airport, the pilot, Captain Chesley Sullenberger, opted to land the plane on the Hudson River instead. And while none of the passengers or crew were killed, 172 suitcases, along with 150 carry-on bags, lost their lives, prompting FAA spokesman Ken Foley to comment on “the brevity of life.” “In this time of unspeakable horror, our thoughts and prayers go out to the families of these pieces of luggage,” he said.
One of the bags, whose name was undisclosed to the media, survived the initial crash but later died of hypothermia at St. Vincent’s Hospital.
Responding to the terrorist geese, president-elect Obama promised to unleash the full force of the United States military upon their relatives. “Their goose is cooked,” he said.
January 16, 2009