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President Obama To The Moon: “Do Not Fuck With Us”

 

WASHINGTON, D.C.– In an attack that cost seventy-one-million dollars, President Obama ordered NASA to bomb the moon this morning, citing the moon’s “incessant staring problem” as the reason. Last night, the president spoke before a joint session of Congress in which he threatened to bomb the moon “back to the Stone Age” unless it “immediately leaves the earth’s atmosphere.” Obama’s speech, which was interrupted by applause twenty-nine times, was surprisingly embraced by both Republicans and Democrats alike. “For millions of years, the moon has floated above our planet, taunting us and making us feel inferior,” the president told Congress. “Sure, it looks peaceful and serene. But does it have to be so smug about it? No one lives on the moon, and as a result, there are no wars, no famine, no pollution. But does it have to just sit there and gloat?” asked the president. “Does it have to hang up there like an albatross and constantly smirk at our shortcomings and failures? Well it’s about time that we sent a clear message to the moon, and that message is this: do not fuck with us.”

 

Despite the president’s warning, the moon continued to “fuck with us,” and as a result, it suffered the consequences at 7:31 AM this morning. The consequences came in the form of a rocket strike that landed on the moon’s south pole. But despite the president’s actions, the moon has still not retreated, leading Democratic Senator Barbara Boxer of California to question Obama’s strategy. “It makes no sense at all to me,” she said. “We’re currently engaged in two wars, and yet we’re bombing the moon? What has the moon ever done to us? Nothing.” Boxer–who also said that this is equivalent to when Roman dictator Caligula attempted to remove all of the seashells from the sea–feels that the president’s newly declared war is a “waste of money.” “It cost seventy-one-million dollars to bomb the moon and we barely even put a dent in it,” she said. “Not only will this war bankrupt our government, but it is a war that we cannot win. Obama can continue this senseless war, but I’ve got one word for him: quagmire.”

 

That’s not to say that the president doesn’t have his share of supporters. A Gallop poll shows that 92% of Americans are in favor of bombing the moon. One of those people is New York City musician Tommy London, who feels that the moon is “over-rated.” “Almost since the beginning of time, mankind has written songs about the moon,” he said. “‘Blue Moon,’ ‘Fly Me To The Moon.’ You know what? Fuck the moon! I’m tired of hearing about it!” Rachel Cassidy, a Professor Of Linguistics at Washington State University, agrees with London, saying, “It’s no coincidence that when someone shows their backside to someone else, it’s referred to as ‘mooning.’ That particular image best illustrates what the moon is worth.”

 

Ten minutes after this morning’s bombing, President Obama gave the moon an ultimatum. “Unless you want to experience more of the same,” he said, “you will leave our galaxy within twenty-four hours.”

 

 

October 9, 2009

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