WASHINGTON D.C. — Since squeaky wheels supposedly get the oil, President Bush underwent twelve hours of plastic surgery on Thursday, turning himself into a human wheel. “I feel great,” said the optimistic president from his hospital bed in Washington D.C.’s Hadley Memorial Hospital. “Squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak!”
Even though the surgery was risky to the president’s health, he wanted to go through with the operation, saying, “It’s definitely worth it! Squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak!” White House spokesman Scott McClellan addressed those health concerns by saying, “We had three of the world’s most highly skilled surgeons working on the president. Those surgeons were Dr. Takumi Takahashi from Osaka, Japan, Dr. Abhay Akash from Jaipur, India, and last but not least, Dr. Matt O’Talloran from Brooklyn, New York. I can assure the American public that all three of these surgeons are the best at what they do, especially Dr. O’Talloran.”
While describing the surgery, Dr. O’Talloran said, “We had to turn the president’s outer body into a piece of rubber. That was the most difficult part. After that we had to take out his internal organs and turn them into metal spokes. This was also very difficult.” When asked why they had so much difficulty with Bush’s internal organs, Dr. O’Talloran attributed it to Bush’s “years of rampant drug and alcohol abuse.” But that wasn’t the only difficulty that the surgeons faced. Said Dr. Akash, “It took us a very long time to locate the president’s brain. And once we saw how small it was, we took a long break, each one of us silently reflecting on the grim connections between that tiny organ and the state of our world.” Aside from the size of Bush’s brain, Dr. Takahashi made a separate discovery that was just as chilling. “About halfway between the hypothalamus and the prefrontal cortex, there was a tiny microchip,” said Dr. Takahashi. “It was making noise, so I put it next to my ear. Just then, I heard the voice of Satan, and he was giving the president instructions on how to run the country.”
So what’s next on the president’s agenda? “On Monday, I will sit down with the leaders of Saudi Arabia, Russia, Iran, and China,” said the president. “Those are four of the world’s top oil producers. I will do nothing but squeak, and I will not stop until they give all of their oil to the United States.” Just before he exited the hospital, Bush smiled and said, “Let’s roll! Ha ha! Get it?”
Vice President Cheney is scheduled to have the same surgery next week.
July 6, 2007