In the back of every issue of Time Out New York, writer Jamie Buffalino has a column called Get Naked, in which people write in and ask for advice on their sex lives. I’ve decided that I’m going to start giving my own advice to their questions.
Q. Straight 32-year-old guy here, and I just started dating a really hot 21-year-old woman. The only bad thing I can say about her is that she has really bad breath. We’re talking toxic. It’s like a cruel joke, because when I look at her all I want to do is have sex with her, but kissing her instantly kills the desire because of her breath. The other cruel thing about it is that it’s such a touchy subject that although I’ve mentioned it a couple times (she’ll go and brush her teeth, which helps temporarily), I can’t bring myself to come out and say that I think she may have some sort of physical issue–that’s how consistently horrid her breath is. So do I want to be the guy who breaks up with someone because of bad breath, or do I want to be the guy who has to potentially shame a beautiful girl with a bad-breath conversation?
A. Whether it’s due to popcorn, garlic, or too much alcohol on an empty stomach, everyone is going to occasionally have bad breath. However, due to the existence of toothbrushes and breath mints, the key word is occasionally. And even though I hate to gross you out any more than you already are, if her breath smells that bad (which is something that is easily treatable) can you imagine how bad of a smell there could be if you decide to play Guitar Hero with her? Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that there is a definite link between those two things; in fact, maybe she spends so much time washing her vagina that she simply doesn’t have time to brush her teeth. It is safe to assume though that if the experience of kissing her is that horrid, then playing Guitar Hero with her is going to be far, far worse. But until you find out for certain, my recommendation is that you simply stop kissing her.
Just like the coin toss in a football game, kissing is merely ceremonial anyway. Yes, some teams prefer to kick off while the other team chooses to receive (there’s a sexual metaphor in there), but when it comes down to strategy, does it really matter? It’s the same thing with kissing. So, the next time that this woman tries to kiss you, pull away and explain to her that Donovan McNabb is a little bitch who chokes on third and long. Her lack of comprehension will make her pause, and I suggest that you use that brief amount of time to take off your clothes. Once you’re naked, you will have effectively skipped the “coin toss,” and you will then be able to move on to more fun, non-kissing related activities. Of course, this will only work at home. I don’t recommend that you try this when she tries to give you a kiss hello while meeting her in the middle of the mall. In that case, I suggest you act like a European and kiss each of her cheeks. If she asks you why you’re doing that, tell her that you used to live in Europe, but that you’re not supposed to talk about it. Women like men who are mysterious, and the more that you can subtley suggest that you are a CIA operative, the more turned on she will be.
Finally, if all else fails, you should invite her to your apartment for a romantic evening. Pour some champagne, cover your bed with rose petals, and gently place a blindfold over her eyes. While she’s blindfolded, guide the glass of champagne to her lips. After she’s had a few sips, replace that glass of champagne with a glass of cologne. Obviously, after she takes one sip of the cologne, she won’t want to finish it, so you might have to assist her by quickly tipping up her glass during that first sip. Normally, I would recommend starting off with a more subtle fragrance, such as Curve or D&G. However, since it appears that her breath is much more rancid than that, I would go with Obsession by Calvin Klein. Keep in mind though that after a series of experiments that I conducted on my neighbor’s eight-month-old baby, I found that the only drawback to Obsession is that it is loaded with carbohydrates. Therefore, I wouldn’t use this particular cologne unless you feel that she could stand to gain a few pounds. After all, your intention is to improve the smell of her breath, not make her fat. If you still want to use a fragrance by Calvin Klein that is strong but doesn’t pile on the carbs, I recommend Escape or CK One.
April 11, 2008