LOS ANGELES– Commuters on the B62 bus in Los Angeles had a frightening ride yesterday afternoon after a blonde bombshell boarded the bus. Fortunately, the bombshell, thirty-one-year-old Monica Soltani, failed to explode. Soltani, who was on her way to a fourth of July barbecue in Santa Monica, boarded the bus near Hollywood, causing several people to scream in alarm. One of those people was Patrick Downs, 32, who said, “The seat next to me was empty, so when I saw this attractive woman get on the bus, I was happy. But once I realized that she fell into the category of ‘bombshell,’ my entire life flashed before my eyes.”
After realizing that a bombshell had boarded his bus, bus driver Tom Szaniawski opened the doors and fled from the area. Later, he was quoted as saying, “I’ve heard that the captain is supposed to go down with the ship. Well, I’m not a captain, and this isn’t a ship, so I got the hell out of there.” Moments later, FBI agents surrounded the bus with their guns drawn. A frightened Soltani exited the bus with her hands raised above her head. She was immediately tackled to the ground and brought into custody. Five hours later, after thorough questioning, she was released. “Soltani is indeed a bombshell,” said FBI agent Harry O’Reilly, “but she’s not the type of bombshell that we’re worried about. We’re more worried about the non-human kind.” O’Reilly explained that the bombshells that are lethal usually contain arsenic, nails, and ball bearings. “We gave Miss Soltani extensive blood tests, and found that none of those things were in her system,” he said.
A visibly shaken Soltani was angered by the actions of the federal agents. “I understand that we’re on heightened alert since it’s the fourth of July, but this was a little ridiculous,” she said. “Either way, after this, I’m dieing my hair brown.”
July 5, 2007