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Tiger Woods: “I Wish I Was Britney Murphy”

WINDERMERE, FLA– Troubled golf legend Tiger Woods posted a “tweet” on his Twitter page this morning saying that he wishes he was Britney Murphy, the 32 year old actress who died of a heart attack on Sunday. Woods, who has taken a temporary leave of absence from golf after it was revealed that he had a string of extramarital affairs, wrote, “Britney Murphy got off easy. So sudden. So unexpected. Lucky bitch.”


Many people, however, feel that Woods is overreacting. “Tiger is the greatest golfer of all time, and he’s the world’s first ever billionaire athlete,” said Matt O’Talloran, a journalist from Sports Illustrated. “Soon enough, he’ll be playing golf again, and it will be as if nothing ever happened. Plus, there’s three or four women in the United States that he hasn’t slept with yet, so he still has that to look forward to.”


But judging by Woods’s demeanor, that sense of optimism is still a long way off. Yesterday, paparazzi photographed Woods playing golf in his backyard during a thunder storm. According to Dan Simon, the photographer who took the picture, Woods was hoping to get struck by lightning. “Make no mistake about it,” said Simon, “this had nothing to do with golf. And what tipped me off that it had nothing to do with golf was the fact that he was holding his 9 iron over his head and screaming, “Kill me, God! Just…fucking…kill…me!”


One group of people who aren’t interested in Tiger Woods’s mental state is the family of Britney Murphy, who found Woods’s tweet to be “highly inappropriate.” In a written statement, Murphy’s parents wrote, “The loss of a child is the most painful thing a human being could ever endure. Tiger Woods’s problems pale in comparison to ours, and unlike our daughter, he will at least wake up to see another day, good or bad. That is why we are shocked and disgusted that he would exploit the death of our beautiful daughter to gain self-pity from the American public. Furthermore, Tiger needs to remember that most people who are named after wild animals never even come close to achieving the level of success that he has achieved, so maybe he should stop whining.”


Britney Murphy was unavailable for comment.



December 22, 2009


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