LOS ANGELES– “Next year, I will no longer be involved with American Idol.” These words, spoken yesterday by the abrasive Simon Cowell at a press conference in Los Angeles, sent shockwaves throughout the Fox network. “For the past eight years, I’ve thoroughly enjoyed destroying people’s ambitions and shattering their hopes and dreams,” said Cowell, “but it specifically states in my contract that I am not allowed to be an asshole unless I’m on American Idol. And even though it’s been painful, for the most part, I’ve been able to adhere to that contract.”
For the most part. In 2005, Fox executives almost fired Cowell after it was discovered that he had been ringing people’s doorbells and running away. Cowell apologized for his behavior, and promised that he wouldn’t do it again. As for his future plans, Cowell said, “The time has come in which I expand my horizons and become an asshole full-time.” When he was asked to elaborate on how he would be an asshole, Cowell said, “Oh, it’s ridiculous how much work there is that needs to be done. For example, there are millions of toddlers out there that are just starting to learn how to walk, who need to be tripped.” Cowell also mentioned the advantages of modern technology. “Due to the internet, one can be an asshole without even leaving their house,” he said. “One of my favorite things to do is to leave disparaging remarks on social networking sites and chat rooms. It leaves me with a sense of euphoria that no drug could ever come close to matching.”
“Let’s not forget,” said fellow American Idol host Randy Jackson, “that Simon doesn’t need to be a judge on American Idol just to voice his opinions. While walking down the street, he’ll remind people of how ugly they are, or tell them that they have awful fashion sense. I’m sure that as long as he has the gift of speech, he’ll continue on with his God given mission of making people’s lives miserable.”
American Idol airs on Fox on Monday nights at 8PM.
May 14, 2010