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Mary Kate Olsen Proves To Be Unresponsive In 99% Of Emergencies

NEW YORK CITY– It was nearly one month ago that Heath Ledger died of an accidental overdose of prescription drugs. Upon finding the twenty-eight-year-old actor’s body, his housekeeper immediately called Mary Kate Olsen. But despite Olsen’s efforts, Ledger died anyway, prompting New York City’s Health & Human Services Director, Mike Giordano, to conduct an independent study in which Olsen’s performance during emergencies was evaluated. According to Giordano, the results of the study were “appalling.” “Ninety-nine percent of the time, Miss Olsen was nowhere to be seen,” he said. “Someone with that level of incompetence shouldn’t be taking on a job of such importance.”

Kara Kemp agrees with Giordano. On February 7, Kemp fell down the stairs of her Chelsea apartment, breaking her leg. Wasting no time, her neighbors immediately called Mary Kate Olsen. But after one hour, with still no sign of Olsen, Kemp hopped on one leg until she could hail a cab, which took her to a nearby hospital. “The amount of pain that was shooting down my leg was unbearable,” said Kemp. “I swear to God, I will never watch another rerun of Full House for as long as I live.”

Unfortunately, Kemp wasn’t the only victim of Olsen’s negligence. On Saturday, Jimmy Blackman, 43, was experiencing mild chest pains. After waiting forty-five minutes for Olsen to arrive, like Kara Kemp, Blackman chose to take a taxi to the hospital. But what he saw as he left his apartment building made his jaw drop. “About half a block away, I saw Mary Kate Olsen walk into a Starbucks,” said Blackman. Blackman confronted the twenty-one-year-old actress/emergency technician. Olsen told him that, even though his chest pains were of major importance to her, she would be of no use to him “until she had her grande caramel macchiato.” Fortunately for Blackman, his chest pains turned out to be nothing more than a case of heartburn.

Even so, it is incidents like these that prompted Mike Giordano to suspend Mary Kate Olsen for two weeks without pay. “I hate to resort to such drastic measures,” said Giordano, “but this type of behavior is unacceptable.” He attributed Olsen’s incompetence to “laziness,” saying that, despite her record of failures, she occasionally shows some signs of potential. One example of this occurred last October, when Olsen single- handedly put out a four alarm fire that ravaged through a Brooklyn warehouse. Even so, Giordano urges the public to think twice before asking for Miss Olsen’s assistance. “If you have an emergency, you’re better off pursuing more traditional methods of help,” he said. “For now, instead of calling Mary Kate Olsen, you would probably be better off calling 911.”

 

 

February 21, 2008

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