In which I answer the questions posed to the sex advice columnist Jamie Buffalino in the Get Naked section of Time Out New York.
Q. I’m a 29-year-old hetero female, and for as long as I can remember I’ve had the urge to get double-teamed by two guys. I’m finally in a relationship with a man who’s not threatened by the idea and we’ve even agreed on who the third guy should be. Now we just have to see if this guy is into the idea. Here’s the tricky part: The guy is a college friend of my boyfriend’s. Back in college, the two of them tag-teamed a girl together, which is why my boyfriend thinks the guy will be up for this. The one thing is, my boyfriend tells me that although the guy is pretty well-hung (which is good) he’s also uncut (which I’m really not into at all). The reason this is a problem is because my boyfriend’s one request is that during the double-teaming, he wants to be the one doing the fucking while I give head to the other guy. I really am not into the idea of giving head to an uncut penis. I did it once before and I did not enjoy it. But since my boyfriend is being so understanding about helping me fulfill this fantasy, I really don’t feel I have the right to ask him to reconsider the only rule he has about it. So should I just go through with it and hope the second time’s the charm where uncut penises are concerned, or should I call the whole thing off?
A. I don’t assume by any chance that the guys who want to tag-team you are named Brutus Beefcake and Greg “The Hammer” Valentine, are they? They were a pair of tag-team wrestlers back in the ’80’s, a time when I was too young to realize that those would be great names for porn stars. But I’m assuming that when you use the term “tag team,” you’re not referring to professional wrestling, correct? If you are, then that is quite a bizarre sexual experience, to say the least. For example, when you said that those two guys tag-teamed a girl back in college, the image that I had in my head was of this girl blowing one of the guys while the other guy stood about ten feet away from the bed, waiting to be tagged in. And though I hate to make this image any more bizarre than it already is, keep in mind that during a tag-team wrestling match, a wrestler usually only tags his partner into the ring when he’s really hurt. Therefore, I’m assuming either one of two things. Either: 1) This woman’s blowjobs really hurt, or 2) There weren’t any blowjobs administered, but a series of body-slams and pile-drivers. Please understand that I am not judging you. If you have a fetish for erotic wrestling, that’s your business. My only concern is that unless you are really tough, no woman should be trying to wrestle two guys at the same time. Sure, on occasion, a double clothesline might work, but whatever you do, don’t make the mistake of trying to follow that move by jumping off of the top turnbuckle and delivering an elbow to each of the men’s chests. I watched a lot of professional wrestling as a child, and I can guarantee you that at least one of those two men (if not both of them) will move out of the way just as you’re landing. Once that occurs, both of these men will be completely able to have their way with you, which, judging by your letter, seems to be what you want. That’s fine, but you need to understand that that old saying is true: you can’t have your cock and eat it too. Or is it cake? Actually, people blow out the candles on their birthday cake, so when you really think about it, cake and cock are very similar, the only difference being that one of them feels much better inside of your vagina. But I digress.
My point is that you probably already know the answer to your question: you’re going to have to make a choice. Now as a heterosexual male, I can’t speak intelligently about sucking cock, regardless of whether it is circumcised or uncircumcised. All I know is that I don’t feel bad for you, and I hope that you don’t expect me to. The “tough” decision that you have to make is whether or not to have a threesome. You’re not being forced to decide whether or not you should have the Air Force drop a tactical weapon on Syria’s capital.
One more thing. When I was a kid, my favorite wrestler was a villain who went by the name of The Missing Link. He was a maniac who sported several different shades of face paint, and in every match, he had three chunks of hair; one was located on the very top of his head, and the other two were located just above each of his ears. At the end of every match that he won, he used to rip out one of the chunks of hair and place it on his opponent’s body. If you finally decide to get tag-teamed, I recommend that you do the same thing with the hair on your vagina.
Oh, and don’t forget the face paint.
May 26, 2008