In which I answer the questions posed to the sex advice columnist Jamie Buffalino in the Get Naked section of Time Out New York.
Q. I always dig your column, and I noticed that you always make a lot of references to politics and politicians, so I figured you were the perfect person to address this question to. My wife and I have been married for nine very happy years, but lately we’ve noticed that the sex life has taken a hit and I think I know why. I’m for Obama and she’s for Hilary. Now for me, that’s not that big of an issue, but I think she takes my Obama backing as a slight against women and is just generally annoyed that for the first time ever, we find ourselves on opposing sides of a political fight. I just want the lever between my legs to get pulled more frequently, so how do we resolve this?
A. I have a friend who is Jewish, and even though he means well, he’s not that bright. For example, he once told me that he has “survivor guilt” over the Holocaust. That would be perfectly understandable, if it weren’t for one minor detail: HE WAS BORN IN 1982! My point is that some people think WAY too much, and it seems as if this is what you’re doing here. You’re trying to blame your boring, nine year long sex life on a presidential election, when the simple fact is that your sex life is boring because of the fact that you’ve been married for nine years. This is a major reason why I’m not married, the other reason being that women don’t seem to like me very much.
As for your wife viewing your support of Obama as an offense against women, explain to her that you like Obama for the same reason that the rest of his supporters like him–he’s got integrity, intelligence, and charisma. And unlike Hilary, lobbyists from the health care industry don’t have their hands in Obama’s pocket. Also, you might want to point out the obvious fact to your wife that things could be much worse, meaning that she could be fucking a Republican.
After you explain all of this, there’s a good chance that not only will your wife be pulling on your lever more frequently, but she might even suck your caucus. But what if, after all of this, she still sees your support of Obama as a slight against women? Well, if that’s the case, then you’ll have no other choice but to tell her that a woman is nothing more than a life support system for a pussy. She’ll love that!
April 11, 2008