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God Ruled Out As Suspect In Heath Ledger’s Death

NEW YORK CITY– Heath Ledger’s autopsies have been concluded, and despite the fact that he once portrayed a gay cowboy in the film Brokeback Mountain, God has been ruled out as a suspect in the twenty-eight-year-old actor’s death. “After a thorough investigation of Mr. Ledger’s apartment, there was no indication of foul play, either by humans or supernatural beings,” said police officer Lawrence O’Talloran. “That, combined with the autopsy that was performed by the city’s chief medical examiner, should lay to rest any suspicion that God was involved in Mr. Ledger’s death.”

But others, like Rev. Michael Harris of Atlanta, Georgia’s Midland Baptist Church, refuse to believe it. “Make no mistake about it,” said Harris. “God killed Heath Ledger for making that fag movie! Now he’s in Hell, where he belongs!” When he was asked about the chief medical examiner’s claims that Ledger died from a lethal combination of prescription drugs, the reverend responded, “And who do you think gave him those drugs? God did!”

Not everyone agrees with Harris. “The Reverend’s logic is extremely flawed,” said Biblical scholar Rachel Cassidy. “If God wanted to kill Heath Ledger because of his involvement with Brokeback Mountain, why did He wait nearly three years after the film’s release to do it? And why hasn’t he killed Jake Gylenthall, Ledger’s co-star? Or director Ang Lee?” She added, “Don’t forget. God is so powerful that, if He wanted to, He could have just made it so that the film was never released in the first place. I’ll bet you never thought of that one, huh?”

God was unavailable for comment.

February 8, 2008

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