First of all, I just want to say that all this talk of beer summits is making me really God damn thirsty, okay? It almost makes me want to walk down the street and start punching random people in the face…all so that I could later invite them to a beer summit.
STRANGER: Ow! What did you do that for?
ME: If you buy me a pint of Guinness I’ll be more than happy to discuss this with you.
Of course, if I stop and think about the types of beers that were drank at the summit, I’m suddenly not as thirsty. I hate to say it, but out of the four men that participated, Officer Crowley made the best selection: a Blue Moon with a slice of orange. And if that was the best selection, then you’re probably suspecting that the other beers were horrible. You’re right. President Obama had a Bud Light, which baffles me. Not only does American beer taste like elephant piss, but Obama is the most powerful man in the world. If I were him, I would’ve had a Japanese stripper pour me a glass of Sapporo while two other Japanese strippers fondled my member (“Tell me your side of the story Officer Crowley. I’m listening.”) That’s not to say that Sapporo is the world’s best beer. In fact, it is far from it. I just like the idea of the Japanese strippers. Even so, Obama is married and has two young daughters, and that sort of behavior could have serious consequences on his bid for re-election (especially since the beer summit took place out in the Rose Garden). However, when I take over the world, I’m going to declare myself President For Life anyway, so it doesn’t particularly matter what the American public thinks of my lifestyle. Besides, the very first thing that I’m going to do when I get into the Oval Office is I’m going to have the three little kids that live upstairs from me fed to great white sharks while I look on from inside of a shark cage. Oh, but I won’t be the only one down there. In an adjacent shark cage will be the kids piece of shit parents, who will be forced to witness their children’s agonizing deaths. Then I will get out of my shark cage, fire up the karaoke machine, and proceed to serenade the parents with Louis Armstrong’s “What A Wonderful World.” At that point, the parents would probably try to attack me, but one of the perks of being the president of the United States is that you have Secret Service agents who don’t permit such tomfoolery to occur. And by saying that they “don’t permit such tomfoolery to occur,” I’m implying, of course, that my Secret Service agents (who will refer to me among themselves as POTUS) will throw the parents overboard, where they too, will get eaten by great white sharks. But I digress. Henry Louis Gates had a Sam Adams Light, and Joe Biden had a Buckler, which, apparently, is a non-alcoholic beer. That’s because, according to Biden, he has never had a sip of alcohol in his entire life. This is surprising considering that, based on some of the things that come out of his mouth, one would assume that he’s a raging alcoholic. In fact, I was surprised that Obama even invited him. While trying to diffuse such a volatile situation, would you really want to have Joe Biden sitting there, sharing his thoughts on the matter? Then again, it might not hurt, because Biden probably offended Gates and Crowley equally. He probably said something along the lines of, “Now, Officer Crowley, let’s be honest. You know damn well that you stupid pigs have a reputation for picking on niggers for no good reason.”
That reminds me…the White House servant who was serving the beer was white. That’s good, because if the servant were black, it would have added a whole different element to the story. Hey, do you know what really would’ve added a whole different element to the story? If the White House servant who served the beer was not only black, but a slave in chains! Obama should’ve done that, just to confuse the shit out of Rush Limbaugh! It is important to note, however, that when I become president, I will not keep slaves in the White House.
That would be cruel.
cc: Bill Gates
July 31, 2009