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Obama Hosts Beer Summit With Ahmadinejad And Kim Jong-il To Discuss Avoidance Of Nuclear Armageddon

WASHINGTON, D.C.– Inspired by last week’s “beer summit” at the White House between Officer James Crowley and Professor Henry Louis Gates, President Obama met with Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and North Korean dictator Kim Jong-il last night to “have a beer and discuss the avoidance of nuclear armageddon.”

The meeting took place in the Rose Garden of the White House at 6:00 PM, Eastern Standard Time. Kim Jong-il–who in the past has repeatedly threatened to strike Hawaii with a long range nuclear missile–had two Heinekens, while President Obama had a Bud Light. Ahmadinejad had an Amstel Light, a fact that sparked rage throughout the Muslim community. “The Koran strictly forbids the consumption of alcohol,” said Muslim cleric Abdul Ahmed Salahari. “It’s bad enough that he stepped onto the soil of the Great Satan in the first place. But to consume alcohol there as well? May Allah strike him dead!”

Politically, the beer summit achieved only mixed results. Ahmadinejad agreed to stop pursuing his goal of attaining a nuclear weapon, but Kim Jong-il, who already has nuclear weapons, seemed to have become even more emboldened by the summit. “America will perish in a ball of fire,” the dictator stated, “unless I get another Heineken.” “That was definitely the most memorable comment of the evening,” said President Obama shortly after the summits conclusion. “He said it with a straight face,” he added, “but I couldn’t tell whether he was joking or not.” Either way, Kim got his Heineken, which prompted harsh criticism from Republicans. “What if this had been a nuclear standoff instead of three guys drinking beer?” asked House Minority Whip Eric Cantor. “Would President Obama just cower to Kim Jong-il’s demands in that situation too? By giving him that second Heineken, Obama was sending a clear message, and that message was this: America is weak.”

President Ahmadinejad interpreted Kim’s demands to be literal. “I don’t think he was joking,” he said, and then added, “This gives whole new meaning to the expression Drink Responsibly.”

Despite Kim’s threats, he described President Obama as being “very cordial.” He told reporters, “At the end of the day, him and I are simply two gentlemen who agree to disagree on engaging in nuclear annihilation.”

August 9, 2009

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