WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Bush specifically ordered his personal chef to “hold the mayo” on his ham and turkey sandwich yesterday. But the chef did not hold the mayo, and as a result, the president declared Martial Law. “A tremendous crisis has come upon the American people,” said Bush, “and as a result, I am declaring Martial Law.” This announcement was made at 2:00 PM, Eastern Standard Time, on the White House lawn. By dinner time, nearly a thousand residents of Washington D.C. alone were arrested and executed. Oddly enough, ninety percent of those people were either librarians or bookstore owners, prompting ACLU attorney Adam Barnett to accuse Bush of “using his mild hunger to help him push through his alternative agendas.” “The fact that his sandwich was not prepared properly is not a valid reason to launch an all out assault on the Constitution,” said Barnett. Barnett was executed shortly after making that comment. “I know that a lot of people are going to disagree with my decision,” said Bush. “But you have to understand that it was already two o’clock in the afternoon, and I hadn’t eaten a single thing. And besides, I’m the decider.” Citizens have been instructed to stay in their homes until order can be restored.
September 9, 2006