MIAMI- In an attempt to show tolerance for homosexuality, the Miami Heat have signed exercise guru Richard Simmons to a three-year, $2.5 million contract. The team subsequently decided to change its name to the Miami Flamers. When asked about the name change, NBA commissioner David Stern said, “Heat, Flamers…they’re practically the same thing. And now that Richard is on the team, ‘Flamers’ is even more appropriate.” Simmons, 44, will be the league’s first homosexual point guard. According to Flamers coach Pat Riley, “He wanted to be the tight end, but I had to explain to him that that’s football, not basketball.” Miami had their first pre-season practice on Thursday, and second-year phenom Duane Wade was impressed by Simmons’s game. “He hit, like, six or seven three-pointers in a row,” said an amazed Wade, “I couldn’t believe how well that little faggot could shoot!” But not everyone is happy with Simmons’s arrival. Center Shaquille O’Neal has publicly stated that he’s “not happy” with the 44 year-old “Sweatin’ To The Oldies” star. When asked to elaborate on as to why he’s not pleased with Simmons’s presence on the team, O’ Neal said, “During practice, I was guarding him in the low post when all of a sudden, he tried to suck my dick.”
Simmons was unavailable for comment.
September 9, 2006