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Republican Locks His Keys Inside Of His Car; Blames Bill Clinton

ATLANTA– Many Republicans have made it a point to blame the failures of the Bush administration on former president Bill Clinton, but Atlanta Georgia resident John Reed took it one step further yesterday, blaming Clinton for the fact that he locked his keys inside of his car. “Bill Clinton should have worked closer with the automotive industry,” said an angry Reed. “If he had, they would’ve found a way to make it impossible for car owners to lock their keys inside of their cars. But no. Clinton was too busy fooling around with Monica Lewinsky.” “He does this all the time,” said Reed’s wife, Julia. “He blames Clinton for 9/11, the failing economy, and pretty much everything else. Last year, John spilled coffee on his necktie, and he even blamed Clinton for that.” “Um, excuse me,” interrupted her husband. “I bought that tie back in 1999. Who was in the White House in ’99? I rest my case.”

By no means is John Reed the only Republican who blames everything on Clinton. Michael Lezman, a resident of Grand Rapids Michigan, blames Bill Clinton for the outcome of the 2006 World Series. “If it weren’t for Bill Clinton’s opposition to illegal drugs, some of the players on the Detroit Tigers would’ve taken steroids, and they would’ve beaten the Cardinals,” he said.

Lori White, of Amarillo Texas, goes so far as to blame Clinton for “a general sense of despair” that was triggered by “the prosperity of his years in office.” “When Bill Clinton was in office, Americans were able to put food on the table,” White explained. “And food is dangerous. It distracts us from the fact that the only nourishment we need to survive is the nourishment coming from the love of Jesus Christ. But thanks to Bill Clinton, Americans were too busy eating to let the Lord into their lives. Now look at us. We’re miserable.”

With only seven days left until the 2008 presidential election, one question remains: if Barack Obama wins the presidency, will Republicans still blame all of their problems on Bill Clinton? “Definitely,” said Washington Post columnist Daniel Simon. “If Obama wins, then the burden will be on him, whether it’s for a terrorist attack or a stained necktie or anything else. But if McCain pulls out a surprise victory, Republicans will continue to see every crisis that occurs in the next four years, large or small, as being Bill Clinton’s fault.”


October 28, 2008


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