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Paula Goodspeed

Last week, a former American Idol contestant committed suicide near Paula Abdul’s home. Thirty-year-old Paula Goodspeed, who was allegedly obsessed with Abdul, auditioned for the show back in 2006, where she was mocked by the judges both for her singing and for the braces that she wore on her teeth.

Paula Abdul claims that she is “saddened by the news,” and I know exactly how she feels. Back in 2006, Jessica Alba threatened to commit suicide after I broke up with her. Even though I broke the news to her gently and told her the universal lie “We’ll still be good friends,” she pulled out a twelve-inch hunting knife and began to press it to her throat while screaming, “I can’t live without you!” And even though I was able to talk her out of it, I damaged her psyche tremendously, which was made apparent after she went on to make such horrible films as The Eye, Awake, Good Luck Chuck, and The Love Guru.

Goodspeed’s death is tragic though, for three reasons. First, I have a feeling that her audition would’ve gone much better if, right before she walked into the room, someone had enough initiative to say, “Godspeed, Goodspeed.” Second, someone should have explained to her that there are other reality shows that she could’ve auditioned for. Survivor immediately comes to…wait. Never mind. And third, it was reported that Goodspeed committed suicide on a Los Angeles street “not far from Abdul’s home.” What the hell was the point of that? If she really wanted to teach Abdul a lesson, she would’ve broke into her house and killed herself inside of her bathtub, or at least somewhere on Abdul’s property. Half measures avail us nothing!


November 19, 2008




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