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Autopsy Reveals David Carradine Died From Combination Of Coca-Cola And Pop Rocks

THAILAND– An autopsy revealed yesterday that David Carradine died from ingesting a combination of Coca-Cola and Pop Rocks, the delicious candy that fizzles and pops in your mouth. “Mr. Carradine did one of the most reckless things a human being could possibly do,” said Dr. Tom Szaniawski, the physician who performed the autopsy. “He ate Pop Rocks and swallowed them down with a twelve ounce can of Coca-Cola. When you do that, you’re pretty much signing your own death certificate.”

When Carradine died on June 4, the seventy-two-year-old’s death was shrouded in mystery. While staying in Bangkok, a maid found his body in the closet of his hotel room. Cords were wrapped around both his neck and genitals, leading Bangkok police to conclude that Carradine died while engaging in auto-erotic asphyxiation. However, Carradine’s family believes that he was murdered by secret societies within the martial arts community. The bizarre claim was made on “Larry King Live” after a panel member said, “David was very interested in investigating and disclosing secret societies.” The family members also told Larry King that they were seeking the help of the FBI. But Dr. Szaniawski has concluded from Carradine’s autopsy that no foul play was involved. “It doesn’t look as if Mr. Carradine was force-fed the Pop Rocks and Coke,” he said. As to whether or not Carradine’s death was a suicide, Dr. Szaniawski said that he “didn’t wish to speculate.” “There’s no way for me to know if Mr. Carradine enjoyed auto-erotic asphyxiation, or if he wished to end his own life. All I know is that if it were indeed a suicide, the combination of Pop Rocks and Coke would have been more than enough to have killed him. Hanging himself with a cord wouldn’t even have been necessary.” Szaniawski also said that, tragically, an alarming number of people who die from the Pop Rocks and Coke combination don’t take the risks seriously. “In only a very small number of cases were any of the deceased actually trying to kill themselves,” he said. “For whatever reason, people see it as some kind of a joke, an urban legend. What they don’t realize is that every year, more than two-hundred thousand people throughout the world–most of them children–die from this lethal concoction.”

As of late last night, the Associated Press, has learned that Carradine’s family is no longer seeking the services of the FBI, due to the conclusive nature of the autopsy. Carradine’s daughter, Susan, told reporters, “Now that we know that there were traces of Pop Rocks and Coca-Cola found in my father’s bloodstream, it gives us great comfort to know that he wasn’t murdered, and a criminal investigation is no longer necessary.” She then added, “On the other hand, I’ll forever have to live with the knowledge that my father enjoyed jerking off with a cord tied around his nuts. There is no limit to the amount of money that I would pay to eliminate that image from my mind.”

June 14, 2009

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