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Nebraska Mall Gunman Still Not Famous

OMAHA, NEBRASKA– In his suicide note, nineteen-year-old Robert A. Hawkins wrote that he would “finally be famous” after going on a rampage in an Omaha, Nebraska mall, a massive shooting that left nine dead and two injured. But according to a poll conducted by CNN just eight days after the shooting occurred, ninety-seven percent of Americans still have no idea who Hawkins is. “The shooting has gotten more than enough coverage in the American press,” said CNN reporter Owen Planchart. “Either way, everyone knows him as The Lunatic Who Shot Up The Mall. They don’t actually remember his name.” He added, “Well, I take that back. Our polls indicate that three percent of Americans remember his name, and those three percent are people that you might want to try to avoid.”

As for the rest of us, the name Robert Hawkins doesn’t seem to ring a bell, as was demonstrated by Lee Romero, a resident of Queens, New York, who said, “Hawkins. That was that guy who played in the NBA years ago, right? The one they used to call Dr. Dunk? Or was that Dawkins?…..I don’t know.”

One week prior to the shooting, Hawkins had gotten fired from his job working at a McDonald’s. Police officer Lawrence O’ Talloran was the one who had discovered Hawkins’ suicide note. “If he wanted fame so badly, why the hell was he working at McDonald’s?” he said. “Is working at McDonald’s some sort of natural progression toward world domination or something?” UCLA psychologist Monique Soltani agrees with Officer O’Talloran, saying, “If you look at the events at Columbine, Virginia Tech, and now the mall shooting, you’ll notice that all of these young men wanted fame, but they all committed suicide anyway, which is just plain silly if you ask me. It’s puzzling though as to why Hawkins thought that he would achieve fame while working in the fast food industry.” She added, “Either way, if this recent shooting teaches us anything, it’s that the next time a McDonald’s employee asks you if you want your order Supersized, you better say yes.”



December 13, 2007




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