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9 Nebraska Shoppers Die While Fighting Terrorism

OMAHA, NEBRASKA– Nine residents of Omaha, Nebraska were murdered last Wednesday while performing their patriotic duties as American citizens: they were shopping. At 1:47 PM, nineteen-year-old Robert A. Hawkins entered the Westroads Mall and opened fire with an SKS assault rifle, killing nine people and injuring two others.

Paul Velman was one of Hawkins’ victims. According to Paul’s wife, Patricia, Paul went shopping because he “wanted to do his part to help fight the terrorists.” “After 9/11, our entire nation wanted to know what they could do to help out,” said Patricia. “And if you remember, President Bush told the nation that if we really wanted to help, we would go shopping. Well, even though it’s been more than six years, Paul has never forgotten that. In fact, last Wednesday, he said to me, ‘I’m going to the mall, honey. I don’t want any more planes to get hijacked.'”

Cynthia Douglas, 41, was another one of Hawkins’s victims. According to her brother, Steven, Cynthia had called him on the telephone earlier that afternoon and informed him that she was heading over to the Westroads Mall. “I asked her why she was going there,” said Steven. “I said to her, ‘I thought you were already done with your Christmas shopping.’ She said, ‘I am done with my Christmas shopping. But I’m going to shop some more so that we don’t end up speaking Arabic.'”

President Bush expressed his condolences to the victim’s families, saying, “These nine individuals represented the best of what America has to offer. Each time one of them pulled out their credit cards, I can assure you that at least two to three members of Al Qaeda were killed. With each soft drink that was purchased at the food court, at least one terrorist’s bank account was frozen. These men and women were patriots in every sense of the word, and our nation will forever be in their debt.”

But others think that shopping will have no effect on the war on terror. One of those people is Eddie Heegan, author of the book Errorism: How Our Leaders Mislead Us After 9/11. According to Heegan, not only will shopping have no effect on the war effort, but it will actually hinder that effort. “In order to help prevent terrorism, our nation needs to become independent of Middle East oil,” said Heegan. “Therefore, it obviously doesn’t help when we are encouraged to get our over-sized asses into our over-sized SUVs and drive to the mall for no other reason than to distract us from how badly we’re getting fucked by our president.”



December 13, 2007


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