I’ll Be Really Upset If Terrorists Bomb The Subway
By Keith Malek, The Associated Press
If terrorists bomb the subway, I will not be a happy camper. Come to think of it, I’ll never be a happy camper, or a sad camper, or even a neutral camper since I don’t enjoy camping. Okay, fine. I will not be a happy journalist if terrorists bomb the subway, especially if I’m on the subway during the explosion. I can see the headline:
Death of a Salesman
Keith Malek Assassinated By Islamic Fundamentalists
Even if I don’t die, terrorist attacks would create major delays in the subway system, which would be really inconvenient. I’m a busy man, and I have no time for such shenanigans. Very often, terrorists put glass and nails in their bombs. If I’m on my way to an audition and a bomb goes off on the subway, I would look extremely dedicated if I arrived at the audition with a nail sticking out of my throat. Or better yet, what if I was on fire? The casting agent would love me! However, I have a low tolerance for pain, and therefore, I would prefer to arrive at my audition safe and sound. What if, God forbid, the subway was attacked on Halloween? The headline would read:
14 Ghosts, 10 Witches, 5 Clowns, And 4 Werewolves Die In Subway Blast
This would be horrible! After all, the war on terror is no laughing matter, and we cannot have people laughing at such silly headlines!
And even though our subway system is completely vulnerable to a terrorist attack, I think that cops should be dedicating more attention to giving tickets to coffee drinkers. That’s because the two issues are closely related to one another. Think about it. If we were to disallow terrorists from having their morning cup of coffee, they would be too tired to blow anything up.
I’ll Be Really Upset If I Get A Ticket For Drinking
Coffee On The Subway
By Phineas Gage, The Associated Press
Because black people don’t know how to dispose of their coffee cups properly, anyone seen drinking coffee on the subway can now be punished with a $75 ticket.
Coffee was first discovered in Ethiopia by a farmer whose goats started eating these strange looking, brown beans, and then started going crazy. Thus began the origins of coffee. Make no mistake about it: the MTA is not anti-coffee. They are anti-goat, and I’m not going to put up with it. Society has always hated goats, hence the word “scapegoat.” “He’s the one who’s guilty, and he’s just trying to shift the blame on me by making me the scapegoat.” But what are goats so guilty of? Goats never did anything to anyone, and it’s about time that we leave these poor creatures alone. Goats have contributed one of the most delicious and important commodities the world has ever known–coffee–and if anything, I think that we should have a holiday in their honor. National Pet A Goat Day.
The good news is that there’s an easy way to avoid getting a ticket for drinking coffee, and you can fuck with the cops at the same time: “It’s not coffee, Officer. It’s cappuccino.” Ha ha ha ha ha! I have found the loophole! The rule is no coffee. They said nothing about cappuccino, latté, espresso or chai. Or, better yet, continue to drink coffee, but explain to the cop that you don’t call it coffee, you call it java, or joe.
Fuck journalism! I should’ve become a lawyer!
October 12, 2005