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Jealousy Not A Factor In The Teasing Of 150 Pound, Buck-Toothed Nine-Year-Old

AKRON, OHIO– On Tuesday, like all good mothers, Susan Colbendinger wanted to know why her son, Wendell, came home from school crying. “They…won’t…stop…making…fun…of…me,” cried the nine-year-old. Colbendinger, a fourth grader at Harrison Elementary School, is physically and verbally abused on a daily basis by his classmates. “Don’t worry, honey,” his mother told him, “they’re just jealous.” But upon further investigation, the Associated Press has learned that jealousy played no factor in the abuse. In fact, when asked about whether or not he was jealous of Colbendinger, his classmate, Bobby Elton, laughed and said, “You’re joking, right? How could I possibly be jealous of someone named Wendell Colbendinger?” In addition to weighing an unhealthy 150 pounds, Colbendinger has buck teeth, two characteristics that often invite scorn from his peers. “I would say that at least four times a day, I ask him whether or not he could use his buck teeth to open up Coke bottles,” said one of Colbendinger’s classmates, Jimmy Jereken. “So the answer to your question is no. I’m not jealous of him.”

Colbendinger’s teacher, Loretta Popanza, told reporters that Colbendinger only maintains a “C” average. “If the other students are jealous of him, it’s certainly not for his grades,” she said. “Then again, considering the torture that those kids put him through, I’m surprised his grades are even that high.”

Even Colbendinger himself refuses to believe that his classmates are jealous of him. “If they were jealous of me, then that would mean that they want to be like me,” he said. “But if they want to be like me, why are they always pelting me with rocks?”

December 19, 2007


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