MONTGOMERY, NY– On Saturday, hoping that it would put an end to the intense boredom that he felt while sitting through his stepsister’s three and a half hour high school graduation ceremony, twenty-eight-year-old Keith Malek replaced his stale piece of Big Red chewing gum with a new piece. Despite his efforts, the fresh piece of chewing gum failed to put an end to his suffering. Malek, who lives in Brooklyn, said that the new piece of chewing gum did indeed provide him with entertainment, but that, in the end, it wasn’t enough. “When I popped that new piece of gum into my mouth, I experienced a delicious sense of joy and refreshment,” said Malek. “But ten seconds later, the flavor went away, and I had nothing to focus on except for the boring graduation speeches.” Malek’s stepsister, Olivia Demerest, said that she feels personally responsible for Malek’s boredom. “If I would have known that all that it takes to keep that retard happy is chewing gum, I would have bought him, like, ten packs of it,” said the graduate.
But Malek insists that ten packs of Big Red aren’t nearly as much fun as one pack of Big League Chew. “If I had Big League Chew, I could have eaten half a pack of it at once, and blown really huge bubbles,” he said. “And then, once the bubbles popped, I would’ve had to have peeled the gum off of my face, giving me even more activities to keep me busy.”
When Malek graduated from high school back in 1997, it was toward the bottom of his class.
June 26, 2007