(Oslo, Norway)- Bono, the lead singer of the legendary rock group U2, murdered six people yesterday after it was announced that he hadn’t won the Nobel Peace Prize. The humanitarian rock star went to great lengths in 2005 to ease hunger and poverty in Africa, but he lost the prize to Mohamed El Baradei and the International Atomic Energy Commission. The IAEA won the prize for their drive to curb the spread of atomic weapons by using diplomacy to resolve standoffs with Iran and North Korea over their nuclear programs. When the announcement was made, Bono pulled out a 22 caliber pistol from his black leather jacket and opened fire, killing Baradei and five of the judges on the panel. He then pointed the gun at Paul Davee, the sixth judge on the panel, but he was restrained by an off-duty police officer before he could fire another round.
When asked to comment on Bono’s behavior, U2 guitarist The Edge said, “I don’t blame him for being so angry. He really wanted to name our last album Vertigo, which we were going to do, but then the rest of the group decided to call it How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb because we thought that it would help Bono win the Nobel Peace Prize. Once he lost the prize, he felt that we changed the name for nothing, and I guess he got a little bit upset.”
Paul Davee, the only judge to have survived Bono’s wrath, said that Bono’s behavior won’t necessarily disqualify him from winning next year’s Nobel Peace Prize: “He could still win it, but he would have to do something tremendous, like throw himself in front of the path of an incoming missile…You never know. It could happen.”
October 7, 2005