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Area Man Grabs Way Too Many Napkins From Napkin Dispenser

PELVILLE, WI– A man grabbed an alarming amount of napkins from a pizzeria’s napkin dispenser yesterday, causing a scandal that rocked a sleepy Wisconsin community. According to witnesses, Brian Crifford grabbed an estimated twenty-five to thirty napkins after ordering a slice of pepperoni pizza.

“He definitely grabbed too many,” said one witness, twenty-year-old Karen Graff. After holding her thumb and index finger about an inch apart to indicate just how many napkins he took, Graff described Crifford as being “out of control.” Witness Charles Merrad agreed with Graff, saying, “I can understand him taking so many napkins if he were eating with a group of people, or if he spilled his drink, but he had nothing to drink and he ate alone. There was certainly no need for him to take so many when he only used two or three.”

And that might be the most troubling aspect of all–Crifford threw away the extra napkins. “It was sickening,” said witness Joe Howton. “That kind of waste is uncalled for.” The pizzeria’s owner, Vincent Butoli, described Clifford’s actions as “pissing away money.” “If every customer used that many napkins I’d be out of business in no time,” he said.

Crifford claims that the incident was “an unfortunate accident.” “I was in a bit of a hurry, and I wasn’t really paying attention to what I was doing,” he told reporters. He regrets his behavior, and added that he wished to apologize to his family for “any embarrassment that my actions might have caused them.”



October 15, 2007


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