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Stay Tooned

“Late one night it struck me that for several years I had been masturbating to a Wilma Flintstone fantasy.”

                           –George Carlin

 

The other day, I was sitting in Conneticut Muffin, a coffee shop in Prospect Park, and I saw that someone had left behind The Park Slope Courier, a free newspaper. There was a front page story entitled Toon Gets Naughty For Slope Family. It was about how a guy named Anthony Umbria (what a surprise that he’s from Brooklyn and his name is Anthony) was watching a cartoon with his five-year-old granddaughter on Showtime On Demand when the cartoon was suddenly intercut with scenes from a porno film.

My favorite sentence of the article was, “Time Warner spokesperson Suzanne Giuliani said, ‘We’d love to take the opportunity to look at the cable box.’” Hell, so would I! In fact, if they had printed his address in the article, I probably would’ve left the coffee shop immediately and walked straight to his house! “Hi, I’m Keith. You don’t know me, but from what I understand, you have Showtime On Demand. I was wondering if I could hang out for a little while and watch cartoons? I brought us beer.”

I don’t watch cartoons, or porn, but I would love to watch a pornographic cartoon. Pornographic cartoons exist, but what doesn’t exist are pornographic cartoons that contain all of the traditional cartoon characters. For example, how much fun would it be to watch a Tom & Jerry cartoon in which Tom bends over to look into that little mouse hole that’s in the wall, and just as he bends over, Jerry pulls out his fifteen inch mouse cock and shoves it right up Tom’s ass? That would be priceless! Here’s another fun scenario: Elmer Fudd catches Bugs Bunny. He lets him go, but instead of running away, their eyes briefly meet, and they suddenly drop to the ground and start sixty-nineing.

The possibilities are endless!

Daisy Duck deep throats Donald Duck (“Don’t use so much bill! It hurts!”)

Mickey Mouse gives Minny Mouse a facial.

Judy Jetson masturbates with a high-tech, solar powered “dildo of the future.”

Popeye sticks his dick through a hole in the wall and gets it sucked by Marge Simpson.

So many possibilities!

Alvin & The Chipmunks gang-bang Betty Boop.

Josie & The Pussycats have a lesbian orgy with The Powder Puff Girls (“There’s a reason why we’re called the Pussycats.”)

Woody Woodpecker anals Sylvester The Cat (“There’s a reason why they call me Woody.”)

Ren & Stimpy give Beavis & Butthead handjobs.

Saving Face

   If cartoons were pornographic, there would never be any cartoon characters that don’t have faces. That’s good because I always hated that. Do you remember how, in The Muppet Babies, they would only show the nanny’s feet and nothing else? Well, if the Muppet Babies suddenly attacked the nanny and started raping her, we would finally see her face, wouldn’t we? It’s the same with Dr. Claw in Inspector Gadget. Any time that they ever showed Dr. Claw, he was sitting in a chair, and all that you would ever see was his forearm. I used to wonder if the nanny in The Muppet Babies and Dr. Claw in Inspector Gadget were the same person. If they’re not the same person, I think it would be great to have a reverse angle in which we see the nanny sitting underneath Dr. Claw’s desk, giving him a blowjob. It would be really disturbing though if they finally showed their faces and I quickly learned that the only reason why their identities were concealed from me all this time was because they were my parents. It’s a very strong possibility. After all, my father and Dr. Claw have the same voice, which is something that still scares me to this day. Alright, this essay is getting too weird, even for me, so I’m ending it here.

January 29, 2005

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