I used to date a girl named Rebecca whose parents were from Syria. But if you were to look at Rebecca, you would never guess that she was Syrian. I recently went out on a couple of dates with a girl named Camilia, whose father is Egyptian. Like Rebecca, you would never guess that Camilia’s heritage is Middle Eastern. Regardless, I’ve decided that in order to get even with terrorists, I’m going to have sex with one hot girl from every country in the Middle East. I’ve already “invaded” Syria and brought democracy to Rebecca’s vagina. Egypt will be next.
If you’re struggling to find the link between my sex life and the war on terror, I suggest that you read Bill Maher’s book When You Ride Alone, You Ride With Bin Laden: What The US Government Should Be Telling Us To Help Fight The War On Terror. In the book, Maher explains that terrorists don’t put their money into banks or securities because their assets can be frozen. Instead, they convert their money into diamonds. Diamonds are easily smuggled, can be passed through metal detectors undetected, and can’t be identified by dogs. Plus, diamonds appreciate in value, which begins the cycle anew. Maher writes, “So guys, the next time that you want to tell her you’d do it all over again, remember that you might be enabling the terrorists to do it all over again too.”
What did Rebecca’s father do for a living? He owned a diamond store! But notice that Syria hasn’t attacked us. Why? Because whenever I fuck a potential terrorist’s daughter, that nation is no longer able to attack us. God told me so. Granted, when I had sex with Rebecca, I just did it for fun.
“Screwing her was like riding a drunken trolley to heaven.” –Charles Bukowski, “And All The Snow Melted”
I didn’t realize back then that I was on a mission. Either way, Rebecca’s vagina now has free and open elections, as well as public education, and the women who live inside of Rebecca’s vagina no longer have to wear burkas in public.
Camilia’s father is a dentist, and I have no reason to believe that he’s a potential terrorist. However, Camilia’s breasts are HUGE, and I have a feeling that that’s where the weapons of mass destruction are being hidden. So far, I don’t have any proof of this, but I better fuck her just to be sure. That’s where the term “safe sex” comes from.
cc: Jimmy Eat World
August 15, 2005