EWING, NJ—Last week, they celebrated their sixtieth wedding anniversary, but this week, Walter and Constance Malek have decided to get a divorce. Both cited boredom as the reason. “Being that we’ve been together since WWII, our friends and family think that we should stay together,” said Constance. “But sixty years? Come on! We’re not trying to break any records here!”
Walter and Constance were married in 1945 in Bar Le Duc, France. They raised two children and have three grandchildren. Today, with the divorce rate over fifty percent, their marriage has proven to be a shining example of the sanctity of that blessed union. But both agree that it’s time for a change. Says Walter, “Sixty years of marriage is a beautiful thing, but sixty-one? That’s a bit excessive, don’t you think?”
Due to their age (Walter is 87, Constance is 83), they both doubt that they’ll remarry, but neither one of them has completely ruled out the possibility. Says Constance, “You never know who you’re going to meet. I’m going to Mardi Gras next year, and I’m sure that there will be plenty of single men there. You have to remember that when we were young, it was harder to meet people. These days, there are things like 8 Minute Dating, which is something else that I can try.” Walter, on the other hand, plans on pursuing the bar scene. “I’m going to start hanging out with my grandson, Keith, at The Four Faced Liar, a bar on West 4th Street in Manhattan,” he said. “From what I understand, he’s been doing pretty well for himself there lately.” When it was mentioned to him that the women who frequent The Four Faced Liar are all in their twenties, Walter responded by saying, “First of all, I think I look pretty good for my age. Plus, Tom Cruise is dating Katie Holmes, so what difference does it make? Besides, there’s a lot of hot fucking putang out there, and I plan on getting me a piece of it before I finally kick the bucket.”
The divorce proceedings are scheduled to begin next week.
May 9, 2005