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On Wednesday, I sold life insurance to a married couple in Long Island. While I was sitting at their dining room table, their two-year-old son was standing on a chair. Like all two-year-olds, he was fidgety, and he fell off the chair and smashed his chin on the table. He cried–no–he whimpered for about eight seconds, and then he was fine. I sat there, thinking Holy shit! If that happened to me, I would be in the fucking hospital! Another time, I was in a client’s house when a little girl ran in and slammed the door behind her. Her brother was chasing her, and the doorknob slammed into his throat. At that particular moment, I had been writing up a policy on the boy, and I remember thinking Shit! I’m too late! That’s because, if I had a door knob lunged into my throat at full force, I would most certainly be dead. But this child got up, cried for about thirty seconds, and then started to quietly play with some Tonka trucks. It was truly amazing. And that’s why I think that the United States military should start sending six-year-olds to Iraq.

I know that you’re probably saying, “What are you, crazy? We can’t send a six-year-old to Iraq! He’ll be psychologically scarred!” Oh yeah? So will a twenty-six year old! The only difference is that the twenty-six-year-old will die, while the six-year-old will live. That’s because children are indestructible. I’m serious. I will bet you any amount of money that if a six-year-old were to be directly hit in the stomach with a cruise missile, he would fall down, cry for about a minute and a half, get back up, and be fine.

President Bush swears that a draft will not be re-instituted, but, as usual, he’s lying. By the spring of 2006, it is estimated that every member of the armed forces will have done at least two tours in Iraq or Afghanistan. Bush will have no choice but to re-institute the draft. Now people never admit this, but the only reason why they have children in the first place is because they’re bored and they want something to play with. They don’t stop to reflect on the fact that we’re fighting a never-ending war, and that they’re going to have to live to see their children die on a battlefield at the age of eighteen. Therefore, I think that these children should do all of their fighting now, while they’re still too young to die. The concept of an indestructible soldier has always been the product of science fiction. We don’t need science fiction though. All we need is children, and in case anyone hasn’t noticed yet, there are MORE than enough of them. For once, let’s put them to good use! Idle hands are Satan’s helpers. That’s an old proverb that often proves to be true, for everyone knows that children who are bored turn to gangs and prostitution for entertainment.

Here’s another way that children could be put to good use: they can set off land mines. Every day, six-thousand new land mines are placed in the ground. There are currently 110 million land mines in seventy-two countries. Every twenty-two minutes, another land mine explodes. Seventy-five mines explodes every day, and, each month, seven-hundred people are maimed or killed. That’s twenty-six thousand people a year. If you tried to remove them all, it would cost $33 billion and it would take eleven-hundred years. Cambodia still has four million mines in the ground, despite the fact that they already have thirty-thousand people (or one out of every 236 civilians) with at least one missing limb.

This is a serious problem, one that can only be solved by children. I hate to sound repetitive, but if you or I were to step on a land mine, we would be maimed or killed. But if a child were to step on a land mine, they would feel a minor pain in their leg (which would still be firmly attached to their bodies), cry for a minute or two, and move on with their day. So then, the question is: why aren’t we already doing this? Why aren’t we sending children to fight in Iraq, or sending children to step on land mines in Cambodia? I’ll tell you why. It’s because people are soft, and they don’t want their ugly little children to be “harmed,” even if they’re being “harmed” for thirty seconds can save the lives of hundreds of thousands of people.

And that is why, in 2008, I’m voting for my friend Lee Romero in the presidential election. To quote his campaign slogan, “Modern problems require modern solutions.”


cc: New Kids On The Block


November 19, 2005


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