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$10 Cover Charge, Plus A Two Fish Minimum

Matt O’Talloran informed me that the legendary comedy club Pip’s in Sheepshead Bay has closed down, and that it has now become a sushi restaurant. Matt also informed me that tomorrow night, we will go to the sushi restaurant, and halfway through the meal, I will stand on my chair and do my comedy act. “It’s always great to be back here at Pip’s. Hey, why does it smell like fish in here?”

I put the word “informed” in bold face because you must understand that when Matt tells me to jump, I ask, “How high?” In fact, when we were at Down The Hatch on Sunday night, the bouncer asked me for ID, so I showed him a California drivers license with Denzel Washington’s picture on it. A very interesting argument ensued:

ME: That’s me, I swear!

BOUNCER: Uh-huh.

ME: I swear to you, I’m 51 years old! I just happen to look really young for my age!

BOUNCER: You’re not black!

ME: Sure I am! It’s just the lighting in here!

After about five minutes of this, I finally showed him my real ID, and we entered the bar. I showed the Denzel Washington ID to Owen, the bartender, and he asked me where I got it. “It’s mine,” Matt said, “I got it in Ocean City, Maryland.” Owen then asked me a very valid question: “Why is it that just about everything you do that’s funny is always Matt’s idea?” He’s right. Matt is like the guy behind the curtain in The Wizard of Oz. We make a great team because he’s always coming up with ideas that are brilliant/disturbing, but he isn’t crazy enough to actually carry them out. That’s where I come in. People who have worked in the White House during the Reagan administration have said that at about a year and a half into his second term as president, Reagan’s alzheimers was so bad that he was completely fucking bonkers. Or, as my friend Kieron Slattery likes to say, he was “madder than a bag of hammers.” Whatever you want to call it, the point is that George Bush Sr. was the one who was really running the show. And in that sense, Matt and I are like Reagan and Bush. I’m completely out of my mind, and as a result, I’m just a puppet for the O’Halloran regime. That’s not to say though that we are exactly like Reagan and Bush. For example, Matt has never ordered me to send US troops into Grenada. We did, however, sell weapons to Iran and then used the profits to back the Nicaraguan Contras.

Anyway, tomorrow night, I’m going to “go on” at around 8:00. And even though I’ve never done it in my own act, I’m going to do that “Hi, where ya from” thing that comedians do.If anyone wants to come watch me perform, you can take the B or Q trains to the Sheepshead Bay stop. The restaurant is located along the water on Emmons Avenue. Not that I could, but I would love to get about 100 people to show up! It would be like a flash mob! “Um…what do you mean by you’re here to see the comedian?” Paul Davee and Nikki Ghisel, if you want to “open” for me, I’d appreciate it.

This is sure to be a historic night in the world of stand-up comedy.

January 5, 2006


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