I’m going to gain so much weight within the next couple of months that no one is going to be able to recognize me. I was at the bakery a few minutes ago, and I ordered a loaf of bread. The woman behind the counter looked really concerned about me, and asked, “Do you want a cookie?” I said yes. After taking the cookie, I asked her if it was because I was crying. That’s because, when it’s cold out, all I have to do is blink, and I start crying. People are always asking me what’s wrong, and every once in a while, I fuck with them (“My goldfish died…God I can’t deal with the pain!”). For the most part though, I tell the truth. Anyway, I asked the woman behind the counter if she gave me the cookie because I was crying, and she said, “Yeah. I saw tears coming out of those big blue eyes of yours and I felt so bad!”
This is the greatest discovery EVER!!!! If I walk into every bakery in Brooklyn crying, even if I only hit every bakery once, and as long as it’s a woman standing behind the counter, I’m estimating that I can get about 1,200 free cookies. And if I play my cards right, that means that I could also get about 1,200 phone numbers too. I’m not going to concern myself with such trivial matters though. I’m all about the cookies.
cc: Cookie Monster
Tears For Fears
March 6, 2005