“All God does is watch us and kill us when we get boring. We must never, ever be boring.”
–Chuck Palahniuk, “Invisible Monsters”
I recently read that as part of their training, Secret Service Agents learn how to roll out of a speeding limousine without getting hurt. Upon reading this, I thought, “Wow! That information would have come in handy during Senior Prom!” Aside from Senior Prom though, I realized that since I sell life insurance, rolling out of a speeding limousine without getting hurt is something that I’ll probably never be taught how to do. What are the kinds of things that I learn at my job? Yesterday, I learned that contributions to Roth IRAs are not tax deductible, but interest, dividends, and capital gains accumulate in the account tax free. Exciting, huh?
In her book The Partly Cloudy Patriot, Sarah Vowell mentions that a friend of hers is a psychologist at the Bellevue-NYU Program For Survivors Of Torture. Now there’s an interesting job. Yes, it’s probably depressing as hell, but I can assure you that it’s never boring. The only similarity between her job and mine is that I occasionally deliver a death claim. However, my clients die of cancer and heart attacks. Not one of them has been tortured to death.
Because Bill Clinton was the president, when he had sex with Monica Lewinsky, he was investigated by an independent council, and every single detail of the investigation was printed on the front page of every newspaper in the country. Because I sell life insurance, whenever I have sex, there’s no independent council, and I get practically no media attention. Actually, I received a little bit of attention from the media back in 2002, but that’s because I was having sex on top of the F train while it was moving (danger gets me all hot and bothered). But even then, the only attention that I got from the media was a two paragraph story that was buried on page 46 of The New York Post.
My point is that there are lots of interesting jobs out there. It just so happens that mine is not one of them. And that is why, after careful consideration, I have decided that I am going to quit my job to become a lighthouse attendant.
April 10, 2005