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Area Man Thinks He’s Tough For Drinking His Coffee Black

BROOKLYN– Keith Malek made coffee on Monday morning, only to discover that he was out of milk. Too lazy to walk to the store on the corner of his block, Malek went all day Monday and all day Tuesday drinking his coffee black. It wasn’t until Wednesday morning that he finally bought more milk, but, as Malek explains, “I bought it because I wanted to eat cereal. It had nothing to do with coffee.” During the two days that he was out of milk, Malek drank an estimated six to eight cups. “Oh, that’s nothing,” he said. “I didn’t even start drinking coffee until I was about twenty-one years old, and when I did, I drank it black for about three or four years. It’s only in the past few years that I’ve been drinking my coffee with a little bit of milk in it.” Even then, it wasn’t an easy transition to make. “I was proud of myself for drinking it black because I knew that I was part of a very rare breed,” he said. “So once I started putting milk in my coffee, I experienced a significant loss of self confidence.” During that time, Malek was ashamed of his coffee drinking habits. “When I was in someone’s home and they offered me coffee, they would inevitably ask me how I take it. I told them ‘Just a little milk, please.’ God, it was embarrassing. Granted, ninety percent of the population takes their coffee with either milk, sugar, or both, but still…it’s embarrassing when you go through life thinking that you’re tough, only to realize one day that you’re not.” Malek thinks that people who put sugar in their coffee are “vile, disgusting excuses for human beings.” “Well, maybe that’s a bit extreme,” he said, “but I think it’s pretty safe to say that sugar is for pussies.”

Malek has decided to once again drink his coffee black from now on, which he believes will “restore my status as a bad ass motherfucker.”


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