Three days passed before President Bush responded to the horrific tsunamis that tore through Southeast Asia. My guess is that it was because he was busy watching cartoons. When one of his advisors had told him what happened, I imagined that the following conversation took place:
President Bush walks into the room, laughing hysterically and wiping tears off of his face.
BUSH: Oh man! That Elmer Fudd is something else! Anyway, what’s so important that you’ve been trying to interrupt me from my Looney Tunes for the past three days?
ADVISOR: Well, Mr. President, a huge tsunami ripped through Southeast Asia, and it’s estimated that there might be hundreds of thousands of people dead.
BUSH: Tsunami? Those bastards! Get Rumsfeld on the phone! We’re going to war with Japan!
ADVISOR: Um…why do you want to go to war with Japan, Mr. President?
BUSH: Tsunami. That’s a Japanese word, right?
ADVISOR: I guess so.
BUSH: And hundreds of thousands of people are dead?
ADVISOR: Yes, Mr. President.
BUSH: Well, we’re not going to let them get away with that!
ADVISOR: Mr. President, a tsunami is a series of large waves. There was an earthquake that measured 9.0 in the Indian Ocean, and that created the tsunamis.
BUSH: Oh…Well you see? I knew that my war against nature and the environment was justified! Nature is evil!
ADVISOR: Anyway, I think that you should say something about the disaster.
ADVISOR: Because hundreds of thousands of people are dead.
BUSH: Where did you say that this su…su…
BUSH: Yeah. Where did it hit?
ADVISOR: Various places, but Indonesia in particular.
BUSH: Do they have any oil that we can steal?
ADVISOR: Not really.
BUSH: Is there any way that me and my billionaire friends can make any money off of this?
ADVISOR: I don’t think so.
BUSH: Then why are you bothering me?
ADVISOR: Well, Mr. President, it would look good if you expressed your condolences.
BUSH: Condolences. That’s the Secretary Of State, right?
ADVISOR: No, Mr. President. That’s Condoleeza.
BUSH: Oh…so why do I have to say something about this Asian thing? I don’t give a shit about those people.
ADVISOR: I know, Mr. President, but it’s good to pretend that you do. It makes you look compassionate.
BUSH: Stop using such big words!
ADVISOR: Sorry, Mr. President. It makes you look like a nice guy.
BUSH: You do realize that it’s 3:30, and that the Power Rangers come on at 4:00 on channel 11, right?
ADVISOR: Yes, Mr. President. This will only take a few minutes though.
BUSH: Are you sure?
ADVISOR: I promise.
BUSH: Ok, fine. When I talk about the relief effort, can I say “Let’s roll?”
ADVISOR: Um…I would advise against it.
ADVISOR: Because, Mr. President, since you have an IQ of about 36, you’ve already used that phrase approximately 5,987 times in inappropriate situations since September 11th, cheapening the entire meaning of the phrase, even though we made the whole thing up in the first place.
ADVISOR: We should get going if you want to be back by 4:00.
BUSH: Ok. What was that Japanese word again? The thing that happened in Asia? Sudafed?
BUSH: Fuck! That’s a big word! Can’t I just call it “the really big wave”?
ADVISOR: It would be better if you referred to it as the tsunami, Mr. President.
BUSH: Alright, fine…and you promise that I’ll be back in time for the Power Rangers?
ADVISOR: Definitely, Mr. President.
BUSH: (groans) Ok. Let’s go.
June 10, 2005