I can understand why you would want to suddenly deny all claims that God told you to invade Iraq and Afghanistan. After all, Henry VIII, Ayatollah Khomeini, and Emperor Constantine were just three of many rulers who also happened to have on ongoing dialogue with God, and they were seen as being crazy. And let’s not leave out Al Quaeda, Hezbollah, Abu Nidal, Amal, Hamas, Islamic Jihad Organization, the Palestinian Liberation Organization, Muslim Brotherhood, and Fatah. All of these organizations seem to have God’s cell phone number memorized as well, and I know that you wouldn’t want anyone to put you in the same category as them, would you? They’re crazy! But as crazy as they may be, they possess one quality that you don’t seem to have: consistency. You deny claims that God told you to send America to war, but perhaps you’ve forgotten that God also “told you” to run for President in 2000. Apparently, God didn’t want you to win since the American public elected Al Gore, but why should I waste time stating the obvious? My point is this: as an atheist, I want to thank you for presenting the best argument in favor of atheism that the world has ever seen.
When I say that you’re presenting an argument in favor of atheism, I’m not saying that you’re turning people away from religion just because you’re really fucked up. Yes, you’re a sadistic douchebag, but once again, it’s the inconsistency in your conversations with God that inadvertently promotes atheism. I’ll tell you the same thing that all of your advisers have told you since day one of your illegitimate presidency: stick to the script. I know that, very often, you get these ideas in your head of things to say that you think are really witty and clever. They’re not. Don’t say them. Stick to the script, George. “Hey, I have a great idea! Everyone loves God, so I’m going to tell the American public that God told me to invade Iraq and Afghanistan! If I tell them that, then they’ll have no choice but to support the war!”
YOU: God told me to invade Iraq and Afghanistan.
The American Public: You’re demented.
REPORTER: Mr. President, you didn’t seriously tell the American public that God told you to send the United States into war, did you?
YOU: Um…no! Of course not! That’s absurd!
Stick to the script, George.
Like I mentioned earlier, when the other lunatics of the world “have God talk to them,” they don’t go on to deny it a few days later. In fact, they go into detail about it. For example, have you ever heard a message from Hezbollah right after a terrorist attack that they claim responsibility for? It goes something like this: “Yeah, God started talking to me at about 1:43 PM, which was kind of inconvenient because One Life To Live was on, and it was one of those episodes that had Keith Malek, that really talented extra, on it. That kid’s a great actor! I don’t see why the casting agents don’t give him a bigger role! Anyway, I wasn’t happy that God interrupted me from my soap operas, but since He’s God, I obviously paid attention. He told me to pack a truck full of C4 and to get someone to drive it into the embassy, which is what I did. I asked him if he could help me to get my hands on some ammonium nitrate, but he didn’t have time to talk because some Christian athlete needed to thank Him for letting him hit a homerun in Detroit.” Someone who is that specific isn’t going to deny that God spoke to them. But that’s not the point. The point is that, once again, you’re lying. And I don’t see why you’re lying, considering that we’re only about five minutes away from becoming a full-blown theocracy anyway. Have some fucking balls for once! Stand up and say, “My fellow Americans, I’m a complete fucking lunatic, but I’m sticking to it!” You won’t do that though, because you (like all religious people) know deep down inside that there’s no such thing as God. If there was such a thing, than it would be perfectly reasonable to assume that He spoke to you, considering that you’re the most powerful man in the entire world. He didn’t speak to you though, because He doesn’t exist. Wait a second…this sounds familiar. God is someone that no one has ever actually seen, but you swear that He exists, and you base just about all of your decisions on His unconfirmed existence. That sounds a lot like the weapons of mass destruction, doesn’t it?