By now, we’ve all heard the story. Jennifer Wilbanks of Atlanta, Georgia was supposed to get married, but she got cold feet, so she did what any normal person would do. She claimed that she was kidnapped by a Hispanic. Naturally, everyone believed her. In fact, no one even stopped to consider that maybe she was lying. After all, it was a Hispanic, so it must be true, right? Now before you think that this is going to be an essay condemning racism, let me assure you that it is not. There’s a lesson to be learned from Jennifer Wilbanks’s story, and that is this: Hispanics come in handy from time to time.
Any time that I’ve ever needed to make an excuse in my life, I’ve blamed it on my Puerto Rican friend, Lee Romero. And the best thing is…everyone believes me!
LITTLE LEAGUE COACH: Why didn’t you catch that fly ball?
ME: Lee Romero was in my eyes.
LITTLE LEAGUE COACH: Do you mean that the sun was in your eyes?
ME: No. Lee Romero was in my eyes.
LITTLE LEAGUE COACH: Oh. Okay.
GIRLFRIEND: Don’t lie to me! I saw you kissing her!
ME: I thought she was Lee Romero.
GIRLFRIEND: Oh. Never mind then.
COP: Your blood alcohol content is eleven times over the legal limit.
ME: I know, Officer, but Lee Romero tied me up and poured liquor down my throat.
COP: Fucking spic bastard! Alright, fine. You can leave.
ME: Ok…hey, before you go…do you want to buy some life insurance?
ME: Ok. Bye.
3RD GRADE TEACHER: Where’s your homework?
ME: Lee Romero ate it.
3RD GRADE TEACHER: That figures. Fucking Hispanic! Ok. Hand it in tomorrow.
Does everyone understand how this works? Just to make sure, complete the following quiz:
The main cause of heart disease in the United States is:
A) A high fat diet.
B) Lack of exercise
D) Lee Romero
If you guessed “D,” Lee Romero, you’re correct. I also would’ve accepted “Hispanics” or “Puerto Ricans” as an answer. But my point is that it’s not only me who accepts that answer, but all of society does as well. Therefore, in honor of Cinco de Mayo, go out to your favorite bar and buy a Corona for the first Hispanic that you come across. You never know when one of them will come in handy!