TALLAHASSEE, FL– What began as an argument over video games eventually led to an act of violence. On Thursday, during recess at Tallahassee’s Circle Bottom Elementary School, third grader David Snell proclaimed Ambush to be “the best video game ever.” Classmate Jimmy Metzler disagreed, believing that Tony Hawk Pro Skater is actually the best video game. An argument ensued, resulting in Snell saying, “Oh yeah? Well, my dad can beat your dad in a fight!” “Can not,” responded Metzler. “Can too,” countered Snell. Five hours later, both of the boys fathers decided to settle the dispute by fighting on David Snell’s front lawn. And much to the surprise of experts everywhere, Jimmy Metzler’s dad, Robert Metzler, won.
“I wouldn’t have expected this in a million years,” said a defeated Mike Snell, father of David. “Who would have thought that that little geek could throw such a mean right hook?” Snell, a 33 year-old construction worker who stands in at 6 “4,” was beaten to a pulp by Robert Metzler, a forty-one-year-old computer analyst who measures in at 5″7.” The fight took place at 6:30 PM, Eastern Standard Time. Snell had been looking out of his living room window when he saw Jimmy and Robert Metzler approaching his front door. Snell wasted no time, opening the front door and shoving the elder Metzler to the ground. He then went to kick Metzler, which, according to witnesses, was a mistake. “Mr. Metzler caught Mr. Snell’s foot,” said Danny O’Connor, a classmate of Jimmy Metzler who, after hearing that there was going to be a fight, promptly rode his bicycle over to the Snell residence. “And once Mr. Metzler had a hold of his foot, he pulled back really hard, and Mr. Snell went crashing down to the ground.” Just as Snell was getting up, Metzler connected a left-handed roundhouse punch to Snell’s temple, followed by a right hook to the jaw that sent Snell flying. “At that point, I thought the fight was over,” said third grader Billy Montano. “I didn’t think that David’s dad was going to get back up, but he did.” He shouldn’t have. Metzler kicked Snell in the shins, drove his knee into Snell’s abdominal, and then landed an uppercut into Snell’s nose, effectively breaking it. By then, the fight was over, leaving Snell’s neighbor, Randy Marber, shocked. “I couldn’t believe my eyes,” he said. “Mike is younger, taller, and stronger. I don’t know how he could have gotten beaten so badly.”
In addition to Snell’s physical advantages, he also served time in prison, making it even more surprising that he would have lost to the mild mannered computer analyst. “I knew that my dad is a maniac who went to jail,” said Snell, “so when I told Jimmy that my dad could beat his dad in a fight, I knew that my dad would be crazy enough to actually want to prove it.”
That may be, but why did Metzler, a 5″7″ computer analyst, agree to take on the 6″4″ ex-convict? “I fought him because Tony Hawk Pro Skater is the best God damn video game ever made,” said Metzler. “And if anyone disagrees with that, their fathers better be prepared to pay a steep price!”
May 3, 2004