Archive | October 2012
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Plaxico Burress, the New York Giants wide receiver who accidentally shot himself in the leg in a Manhattan nightclub, has hired a consultant to prepare him for prison. A consultant? What is there to consult him about? If I were his consultant, I’m imagining that the following conversation would take place: ME: Okay, […]
In which AP reporter Keith Malek conveniently condenses the newspaper into a much briefer, reader-friendly format. Police Blotter/Obituaries/Movie Listings Chelsea resident Steven Romer was arrested on Friday after robbing the grave of Madeline Dawson, a woman who worked tirelessly to provide for her family and who never had an unkind word to say about anyone. […]
Letters To The Editor Incredible Just when I think that Keith Malek couldn’t possibly be more brilliant, he still somehow finds a way to amaze me. Like a lot of New Yorkers, I rarely have the time to sit down and read a newspaper. But thanks to Malek’s “Journalistic Mash-Ups,” I no longer have […]
I just bought a packet of Tylenol, and the clerk actually tried to put it in a plastic bag! I explained to her that the packet takes up about one tenth of my pocket, and that the bag itself is about twenty-five times the size of my purchase. She spoke limited English, so I broke […]
IRELAND-Despite a lagging economy and a culture that heavily frowns upon the consumption of alcohol, top economists are projecting that pubs in Ireland will experience a slight increase in revenue tomorrow. The increase is expected due to St. Patrick’s Day, an Irish holiday that, until recently, remained in obscurity to both the rest of the […]
ATLANTA– The 50,000 fans in attendance at the Georgia Dome got quite a scare yesterday when Atlanta Falcons fullback Verron Haynes’s head appeared to have fallen off on the forty yard line after he was tackled by New Orleans Saints linebacker Troy Evans. As it turns out, it was only Haynes’s helmet that fell off, […]