Archive | October 2012

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What I Would Say To Plaxico Burress If I Were His Prison Consultant

  Plaxico Burress, the New York Giants wide receiver who accidentally shot himself in the leg in a Manhattan nightclub, has hired a consultant to prepare him for prison. A consultant? What is there to consult him about? If I were his consultant, I’m imagining that the following conversation would take place:   ME: Okay, […]

Journalistic Mash-up

In which AP reporter Keith Malek conveniently condenses the newspaper into a much briefer, reader-friendly format. Police Blotter/Obituaries/Movie Listings Chelsea resident Steven Romer was arrested on Friday after robbing the grave of Madeline Dawson, a woman who worked tirelessly to provide for her family and who never had an unkind word to say about anyone. […]

Letters To The Editor: Journalistic Mash-up

Letters To The Editor   Incredible Just when I think that Keith Malek couldn’t possibly be more brilliant, he still somehow finds a way to amaze me. Like a lot of New Yorkers, I rarely have the time to sit down and read a newspaper. But thanks to Malek’s “Journalistic Mash-Ups,” I no longer have […]

Sade Baderinwa

Note: I told them that they lost a viewer. I was never really a viewer to begin with. My girlfriend puts this shit on and I happen to be in the other room, where I can hear it. To: ABC Eyewitness News From: Keith Malek Subject: Sade Baderinwa needs to be reprimanded During last Tuesday’s […]

My Triumphant Return to The Art of Acting

I just bought a packet of Tylenol, and the clerk actually tried to put it in a plastic bag! I explained to her that the packet takes up about one tenth of my pocket, and that the bag itself is about twenty-five times the size of my purchase. She spoke limited English, so I broke […]

Pubs In Ireland Projected To Be Slightly Busy Tomorrow

IRELAND-Despite a lagging economy and a culture that heavily frowns upon the consumption of alcohol, top economists are projecting that pubs in Ireland will experience a slight increase in revenue tomorrow. The increase is expected due to St. Patrick’s Day, an Irish holiday that, until recently, remained in obscurity to both the rest of the […]

Football Player’s Head Falls Off During Tackle. Or Was it Just His Helmet?

ATLANTA– The 50,000 fans in attendance at the Georgia Dome got quite a scare yesterday when Atlanta Falcons fullback Verron Haynes’s head appeared to have fallen off on the forty yard line after he was tackled by New Orleans Saints linebacker Troy Evans. As it turns out, it was only Haynes’s helmet that fell off, […]